How did it come to pass that I, a middle-aged, middle-class sophisticate and connoisseur of interwar Czech arthouse cinema, should end up purchasing and watching the “Monsterverse Bundle” on Amazon Prime? The title alone represents a metaphysical middle finger to my wine-soaked, canon-steeped self-concept. But the answer, of course, like the answer to all such questions, is children, and if you want but one piece of parenting advice from me, then it is this; think twice before outsourcing your patriarchal function to YouTube, because at some point, it will come back to bite you on the ass, in the form of incessant petitions to watch feature-length versions of the insipid shit they spend afternoons monged out in front of. Anyways, it’s a shame that my kids gravitated toward this rather than, say, Silence of the Lambs, because I’m not remotely interested in either King Kong or Godzilla; I’ve never seen Peter Jackson’s 2005 film, or the turn-of-the-millennium Takao Okawara movie with the nifty Jamiroquai song on the soundtrack (or did I just imagine that? I can’t be bothered to check), let alone the macabre, post-Pacific War fever dreams of the ‘50s and ‘60s. But everyone has to start somewhere, right? Right?
Godzilla (2014)
Why is everything so dark? Half the time, I can’t see a goddamn fucking thing. I get that it’s an attempt to invest a glorified Saturday morning cartoon with the moody credibility of a Scandinavian crime drama, but if I were visually impaired, then you’d be hearing from my lawyer, quite honestly. That said, Godzilla isn’t bad, is it? The plot is straightforward enough; human scientists unwittingly wetnurse radioactivity-munching monstrosities called MUTOs, and the King of Monsters emerges from the ocean to kick fuck out of them and swing his dick around a bit. The cinema-going public complained about Big G not trapping until an hour in but, to me, that’s one of the best things about it; the slow build is tantalising; the opening X-Files-like storyline is compelling; and Heisenberg steals every scene he’s in, like always, even managing to make boring-ass Aaron Taylor Johnson mildly interesting for 45 minutes. Ra’s Al-Ghul does a great turn as the shamanic Japanese tech bro, and the final showdown in San Franciso between Godzilla and his grotesque antagonists is deliciously savage. Unusually for a disposable popcorn muncher, there’s also plentiful food for thought in the film’s ominously apocalyptic leitmotif of looming nuclear disaster. What’s not to love?
Rating: * * *
Kong: Skull Island (2017)
We’re now back in the ‘60s but, as ever, errant eggheads are the authors of much mayhem – in this case, John Goodman’s tweed-wearing crank, who persuades the US military to fund his expedition to an uncharted Pacific archipelago before the Commies plant the hammer and sickle in it. This turns out to be Skull Island, home to assorted mutants and monstrosities, so of course, the dickhead cowboys wantonly bomb the gaff, giving Kong occasion to wreck their Yankee asses and set in motion what Mark Kermode called “Apocalypse Now meets One Million Years BC.” Yes, the Heart of Darkness references are lightly worn, and Tom Hiddlestone is light of weight, while Brie Larson doing Dennis Hopper grates a bit. Overall, though, it’s great; the jungle setting is convincingly perilous, its beastly inhabitants signally repellent, especially the hideous Skullcrawlers; while Kong is stern, formidable, and intensely sympathetic. Above all, the Vietnam backdrop proves an inspired choice, because it provides the rationales for key characters, chiefly John C. Reilly’s unhinged but incorruptible World War II veteran, and Samuel L. Jackson’s psychotically vengeful colonel, who is determined at all costs not to lose another war, even if he has to take everybody else down with him.
Rating: * * * *
Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
Godzilla got ripped for insufficiently showcasing the feature creatures and focusing too much on the humdrum humans, so the sequel overcompensates with a two-hour iteration of Scarab’s long-forgotten 1995 Sega Saturn fighting game Battle Monsters. Roll up, roll up, for Godzilla vs. giant firebird; giant firebird vs. three-headed extraterrestrial dragon; three-headed extraterrestrial dragon and giant firebird vs. Godzilla and hooting moth goddess; and Charles Dance vs. whichever agent signed him up for this career-ending nonsense. The film strikes the appropriate balance, on the whole, even if the storyline is a bit perplexing; Vera Farmiga’s tree-hugging scientist, grieving the loss of her son in the battle of San Francisco, becomes an eco-terrorist and, somewhat unintuitively, unleashes the titans in order to restore “balance” to a planet pillaged by rapacious humans. Obviously, she gets cold feet when she realises what a low IQ idea this is, but by then it’s too late, and Big G’s services are required to set things straight. Unhelpfully, though, the military decides to nuke him, which doesn’t do much for either Godzilla or the film’s narrative coherence. But fuck that, just sit back and enjoy the carnage, you pencil-necked virgins.
Rating: * * *
Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)
Three entries into this basically idiotic franchise, things haven’t entirely gone to shit, and unexpectedly, Godzilla vs. Kong just about manages to keep the run going without dropping the ball like an unloved child on school sport’s day. This week’s megalomaniacal tech bro aims to harness the energy of Hollow Earth in order to power “Mechagodzilla”, a superweapon capable of vanquishing the titans and reinstating humanity to the top of the food chain. A motley crew of idealistic scientists and clairvoyant children sign up for this moronic enterprise, recruiting Kong as a gigantic simian tour guide which, for reasons that are not immediately discernible, provokes Godzilla into rising from the deep to knock ten bells of shit out of him. Fortunately, our heroes come to their senses, kiss and make up, and form a Legion of Doom-style tag team to bring down Robocopzilla; while Alex Skarsgård, Rebecca Hall, and the annoying psychic child deliver the usual human interest / family values sideshow. It’s fantastically inane, of course, but everyone goes home happy in the end, except maybe Kong, who gets his monkey ass handed to him not once but twice by his all-conquering frenemy.
Rating: * * *
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
…is where the franchise transitions from delightfully dumb into objectionably idiotic. After vanquishing Robocopzilla, the BFFs go their separate ways, surely with every intention of keeping in touch, but you know how it is these days with work and kids and home repairs and such. However, while hiking across Hollow Earth searching for a suitable picnic spot, Kong stumbles upon a new menace; a giant Orangutan with designs on taking over the world using his pet ice-breathing armadillo. Not a great start to the week, but Kong knows the drill; get Godzilla on the line and cook their candy asses. So, yes, the premise is somehow even more preposterous than what’s gone before, but the real issue is the ill-judged tonal shift from mordant apocalypticism to irritating Deadpool-lite zaniness. The accompanying assemblage of human characters is self-harm-inducingly insufferable; an obviously mortified Rebecca Hall, her mute idiot of a daughter, and the unbearable Trapper, who introduces himself by removing one of Kong’s teeth, which is fitting, because I want to remove my own teeth every time he appears on screen. It’s passably entertaining, I suppose, but the stupidity is reaching critical mass.
Rating: * *
Ranking
1. Kong: Skull Island (* * * *)
2. Godzilla: King of the Monsters (* * *)
3. Godzilla vs Kong (* * *)
3. Godzilla (* * *)
4. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (* *)